No Angry Shots ...
LEGENDS
Every Unit, every company and every platoon had them. The Legends, who did legendary stuff. Who made our time in the Unit memorable.
We shared experiences on standdown or leave with mates from the unit. Now I’ve kept this relevant to the stuff that happened in the Lines, and deliberately ignored the dumb shit our diggers did after hours.
memories
Lines Inspection
Every week the boss would formally or informally do a Lines Inspection. Formal ones meant ironing uniforms neatly, boots stacked, trunks sorted, cobwebs, louvres dusted, floors mopped ... the lot. The Sunday before was always a cluster. Fighting over the last thread of paper towels, or the 2x mops.
Some guys never mastered it.
I shared a room with Chuck Walker and Polly Perkins, as well as Al Green. Al became a fantastic photographer, joining Army Media. He struggled as a digger. His room and locker always attracted the crabs from the boss Max Cernaz or Sarge.
Every inspection you knew you were OK; Greeny would take the heat in the room. And then in 1982 or 83 a funny thing happened. Al met his future wife. Women were never allowed in the lines, for obvious reasons.
But every Sunday before inspection Al and his girlfriend fronted up and Greeny sat on his date whilst his girlfriend straightened out his shit. This worked for inspections but couldn't save Al the digger. It also meant during Inspections we had no heat seeker in the room, Al was not the target.
Roll forward a couple years and I am a live in Corporal in 1PL. Ant is pretty thorough with his line’s inspections, if he missed something the little bulldog GT Smith our PLSGT would pick it up. I am mostly ok; my diggers are mostly ok, and the heat seekers are generally in Temps section so that is a plus.
So, one week, Nick is running around checking on the guys. Now if you want a room setup - Nick could've rented his as a BNB. Senior guys had doonas, TVs and Videos. Nick had Stereo, Bookcase, brew Point ... everything.
Bear was in Nick's section. We are now all smiling. Nick is running around checking the guys, he arrived at 0600 for 0730. And he is spending a lot of time in Griz’s room. It’s 0730, stand by your bed.
I escort the boss around 2 Section, Ossie 1 Section and then it’s Nicks turn.
All going well until Griz’s room. Boss checks, locker, trunk, louvres ... pretty good Griz, Nick smiles. As the boss turns to leave, GT opens Griz table personnel - and front and centre is 20 rounds of live ammo ...
What’s this?
Ammo from the weekend Sarge.
IN YOUR TABLE PERSONNEL (imagine Douglas Neidermeyer from Animal House - YOUR PLEDGE PIN - ON YOUR UNIFORM).
You get it - Griz gets 3 extras.
Roll forward one week. Nick comes in earlier - spends most of his time in Griz’s room. Boss looks at Griz bookcase.
What’s this Griz? It’s a cask filled with Rum and Port sir.
ON YOUR BOOKCASE GRIZ? Sarge gives Griz another 3 extras.
One week later. Nick arrives the night before Inspection. At 0715 he smiles, good job Griz. The boss walks in, checks everything - great effort Griz. The Sarge smiles, a rare sign of respect and gives the thumbs up.
Griz smiles.
As the Sarge goes to leave, he walks over to Griz lounge chair, lifts the cushion and exposes a half-eaten chicken left over from Saturday night, bought at the Rising Sun.
GT EXPLODES.
Griz works in a little town called Tully.
I hear it rains there, he owns a rain jacket, and sometimes wears it.
Wolfie
Tully, 1981
We were live firing in Tully, probably around 81. And the final activity is a section ambush with 84 illum. Wolfie is firing the 84. It needs to be elevated for max illum.
Ambush sprung.
Wolfie elevates 84 for Illum. Checks ring, checks BBDA. Clear.
Fires ... (Without hearing protection).
About the worst weapon to fire without hearing protection. Every time we fired the 84, every hair extended outright, every orifice twitched and you had no doubt you'd just fired a military weapon.
Wolfie fires - his false teeth explode from his mouth and every hair on his body, including pubic hairs (I'm led to believe) are erect.
Now, he's deaf.
I can't hear. I can't hear anything at all, he whimpers.
WHAT WAS THAT WOLFIE? DID YOU SAY YOU'RE DEAF?
I've lost my teeth, he gums.
YOU'VE LOST YOUR FUCKING TEETH MATE?
Yeth.
He needed the sections help to find his teeth.
I THINK I'VE GOT THEM WOLFIE.
Ralph
The Blue Paint Incident
The next story is about a Digger who transcended from Ralph you SAFA bastard to that of Ralph, you Fucking Legend.
We had a pristine white Shetland pony, Septimus Tertius or Seppy. And one night the diggers from 2/4 RAR stole Seppy from his pen. I am not sure how; he was a bastard. But they got him and took him back to their lines and painted him red and black, their unit colours.
The RSM got a phone call from his counterpart at 2/4. I think we've got something of yours. The RSM knew. The Guard Commander would've reported it. Lucky bastard.
So, we get Seppy back and he gets washed until pristine.
This doesn't sit well with us. You don't fuck with our mascot. It’s Ok for us to think the little bastard is a little bastard, but not you.
Every unit has one soldier who you know will turn a battle.
Ralph was not that guy.
South African, big - like a fucking prop that grew too big, born in the homeland through apartheid. Who would get drunk at the boozer and play German marching music - loud. Ralph was different, he worked in the Main Q Store.
No one knew what he was thinking that night, but inside that big SAFA props head a plan was being hatched.
The boozer continued. Ralph left quietly, knocking over 2 tables and 4 diggers on his way out.
Night Ralph.
The next day the RSM gets another call, I've got a digger I think he's one of yours. Are you sure? Yeah pretty certain.
The RSM sends the RP SGT to pick up the digger.
It's Ralph.
He is covered head to toe in blue spray paint.
So, the story goes ...
Ralph leaves the boozer. Goes to the Main Q Store and gets every can of blue spray paint he can carry. He then stumbles across the road into 2/4 RAR, past their guard and over their parade ground to the Company HQ buildings.
Without being stopped, he paints every 2/4 RAR (red and black) Unit sign blue until he collapses from exhaustion. Covered in blue paint. Ralph Batt is a hero.
That night we drank rum and listened to German marching music at the Boozer without complaint.
Ralph passed away 5 years ago. He was hard to forget.
Griz